I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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