If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
