dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How does one acquire holy water?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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