Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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