If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They are going to name an STD after you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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