Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
