Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
