When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
