I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
