my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
ttyl tear gas
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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