just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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