Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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