I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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