1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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