We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
