If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
