i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize