Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
