I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
