OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
