had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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