you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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