Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
