First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
