you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
