"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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