A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
