i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
