Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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