in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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