someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
