I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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