I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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