Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
