god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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