It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
