last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
