omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
