Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
