You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
