Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
