12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
