There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
