he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
