A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Randomize
