Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
