I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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