I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
