I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
