Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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